1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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