She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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