Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She bit a glass in half.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
