Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize