I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
