did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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