we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Less talking, more tequila
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
