Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
