And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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