Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
