I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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