Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
