I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Randomize
