i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
