hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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