Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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