The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize