Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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