God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
