My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
