I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
