She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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