her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
