Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
