The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
