Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
