Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
