so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
