Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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