It's like a parade of train wrecks.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize