I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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