I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
