my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just gargled with NyQuil
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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