soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
