i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
