On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
