There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He did a backflip because drugs
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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