So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
