I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
