its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
