Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
