So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
