my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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