i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
