I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
