just tell him i said nine months
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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