I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
