dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
