Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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