Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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