Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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