i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I haven't been this sober since birth.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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