I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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