He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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