the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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