I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
