i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
