WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
