I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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