I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
