you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
