At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
