If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
