i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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